Stow and Go Seating = Drug Smuggling

Guest Written by Detonate.

Being a police officer is tough work. Beyond the mandatory doughnut
stop in the morning, the oppression of the innocent with made-up
loud-music complaints, and the third free refill of coffee at our
local Circle K (i.e. 7-11 wanna-be’s), sometimes we Po-Po’s are
actually forced to do REAL police work. One of the many vices that
plagues our streets is overdosing on the popular dork game Dungeons
and Dragons, err…I mean illegal drugs. In 2002, the DEA recorded
28,000 domestic arrests in the media’s “War On Drugs”. But every year,
the problem seems to get worse, and the drug-craze grows amongst teens
and college students (or so Newsweek would have you believe so you buy
more copies of their magazine).

Slowly and surely, law enforcement has evolved to face this ever
growing threat. As criminals become more advanced in hiding their
stash (a.k.a. their “horn”, “dope”, “stuff”, “supply”, etc… for a
complete list of all drug names and nicknames, check the DEA’s website
www.dea.gov or watch “Half Baked”), we come up with different
techniques to finding such contraband. Each year thousands of officers
are sent to drug interdiction schools to learn how to successfully
spot drug curriers, as obviously dope has to go from Point A to Point
B to be sold, and since Star Trek Transporters are not available yet
(estimated release date 3500 A.D.), cars are still the transport of
choice amongst drug-involved denizens.

So one would think that police would have limited area to search when
looking for drugs in a car. And unless it is Retro-Day (inside joke),
we still need permission to search a car, or to see an item in
plain-view, or have a specially trained K-9 detect drugs in the car.
The first of these (permission) can be attributed to someone who
either 1.) just sold their dope and knows they are clean or 2.) is
really really new to the game and doesn’t know they are allowed to say
“no”. The third (K-9) isn’t always available, and isn’t run on every
car stopped. So what do law enforcement officers primarily use to
their advantage? Why Plain-View of course. You would be surprised how
many stupid people leave things out for the whole world to see in
their cars.

But that changed with the release of the 2005 model Dodge Caravan.
Not-far-fetched-future: (Wal-Mart speaker): “Attention drug dealer
Jamal, your 2005 Dodge Caravan is ready for pickup in the tire
center.” What ever could I be talking about? What are the words “Drug
Dealers” and “Dodge Caravan” doing in the same sentence? Well…

With all seats in the upright position, the 2005 Dodge Caravan looks
like a normal soccer-mom transport vehicle. But this vehicle is more
meets the eye…

From this rear-angle shot, you can observe the innovation that is
“Stow ‘N Go Seating” (SNG). The SNG system, designed by Chrysler in
late 2002, boasts the ability to either 1.) store seats in the floor
of the vehicle instead of the complicated process of removing them
(i.e. pull the lever, pull straight up to remove the seat), or 2.)
store groceries/soccer supplies while all seats are in the upright
position. Herein lies the problem:

Picture heroin, meth, marijuana, or severed limbs of rival dealers in
place of the gym bag or Gatorade pictured above being transported
across state lines (I was going to throw in a dead baby joke here, but
that may have been over the top). The possibilities created by SNG are
near limitless too. Welcome to modern-day smuggling, care of the
Daimler-Chrysler quest for more money. Remember when carrying
cigarettes across state lines was a capital offense? I don’t either,
but if this technology was around in the 1970′s, imagine “Smokey and
the Bandit 6: The Stow ‘n Go Smuggler”. (**Mark my words: Burt
Reynold’s career is already in the can and he is desperate, so once
Hollywood reads this post, expect a new sequel, and I won’t get a dime
for the idea either**). And do you think that Jeffery Dahmer would
have been caught if he had a MOBILE place to pickup, kill, and store
his victims? I submit that he would not….

Sure there is practicality in the SNG seating. Everyone races to fit
as much cabin space as possible in the space allowed by vehicle
constraints. But there is also practicality in tire-valve-stems, but
that doesn’t mean that people don’t use them as pipes to smoke their
glaucoma medicine (i.e. weed) from.

So in conclusion, if you aspire to be a drug cartel leader, my hint to
you apparently is to outfit your fleet with more than just Escalade’s
with 24″ chrome spinners (BTW - those are not obvious at all to
police…subtle like a chainsaw)…purchase some 2005 Dodge Caravan’s
with SNG, and watch as simple public servants like me are baffled by
the apparent increase in drug traffic. The basic point of my rant is
that Dodge wants money, and are willing to risk some negative side
effects / negative connotations for the almighty dollar. And you
thought sending American jobs oversees or south of the border was the
lowest Daimler-Chrysler could go.

Oh, and congratulations Dodge, you have successfully created the
Millennium Falcon of Minivans.

-Detonate - Guest Writer